Ordinary thoughts of an Unordinary girl.

I am not a homewrecker.

Falling for a married man is the worst. I really thought I would get over this quick, yet I feel as if I have turned it into a catastrophic mind shit (messy). Spent time tonight contemplating quitting early so I don’t have to deal with this all summer. Then again, it could fade in that amount of time (knowing me, that is majorly doubtful). I was acting so gross tonight. I bought him a cupcake. I kept being up a certain fictional character he likes, just to have something to chuckle about, but it got to the point that it wasn’t even funny. ugh. Sickening. Last night didn’t help either. Imagining him being tough with some douche bag got me all hot and bothered …. damn him!!! Damn me! Damn hormones! Damn no sex!!!


All I can say is..

I am fucking horny. And dating someone, and taking it slow is not looking so fun right now. I flat-out said, “Are you going to fucking kiss me or what?” First of all, so not me to say something like that, but fuck, kiss me dammit. If you like me, and think I’m pretty, and you want to be close to me…. do it! Tell me, kiss me, be close. I’m not saying we need to have sex, that really isn’t something I want right now, but I would like to feel like there is some mutual interest in being together. If I must have sex dreams with other people in them to be fulfilled… something is wrong. I like you! I want to like you more! I’m really testing my willpower at the moment with this relationship. I’m proud of our progress, but I am getting really frustrated. I have no idea if I am supposed to tell him how I feel, or if that is just not where we are, at the moment. I don’t want to keep going with it and have him believe what he is doing is okay though. It just feels wrong to ask someone to kiss you, or ask someone to say ‘you’re pretty’, or ‘you look nice this evening’. It’s simply all I want though. I just want to feel like he’s attracted to me, and that even though we aren’t being physically intimate to the max, we can still kiss and get a little steamy.

Blurting Out Rhetoric

I hate when I ask questions in which I don’t want an answer. For instance, “Do I interest you?” Why on mother earth, would I want to know that? Okay, let me rephrase this. I hate when I ask someone a question in a text, and have to wait for the response. The anticipation is deadly. A minute feels like thirty. I don’t know whether to prepare for disappointment or excitement. I am not even sure how I would go about preparing for such things. The only thing to do is not ask questions. In text messages. This silly medium of communication has made it very simple to make a complete ass out of oneself, and I seem to do it more often than not. I get brave, and say things I would probably not even dream up in the presence of a person. I told someone I would pee on them in an Instant Message chat. Of course I would never ever do such a thing, but the comedic value was grand. At least for me.

Once again I have hoped for instant gratification. I made a account, and expected the first guy I found to be my prince. He rejected me. When I got the notice, I imagined what it would be like if we crossed paths in town. Since we live in the same small city, it would be strange to see this guy. And what if he recognized me? He’d blush in embarrassment, and try not to make eye contact. So yes, again, my mind has ruined me. I joined this stupid dating site … even though I don’t really want to date right now. Horny? Yes. I know it’s awful.

I am sorry

I’m not sorry for being boring

I am not sorry I am quiet

I am not sorry I have nothing interesting to say

I am not sorry for being okay with silence

I am not sorry you don’t feel like talking either

I am not sorry I am okay with this

I often find myself making up apologies to people after we’ve hung out, about how quiet I was, or if I seemed uninterested (usually never the case, or I would have made an excuse to leave, awkwardly). I count on someone new I am hanging out with to mention that I am quiet. You’re so quiet. Bleh. Shut up. I don’t really feel like that when they say that, only now that I am thinking about it. What is so wrong with introversion and silence? It’s nice. And I expect this from those crazy extroverts that think silence is an insult, but for a fellow introvert to make such a comment is a bit harsh. So are you buddy! I am okay with silence usually. It can be slightly strange in a public place with so much commotion going on around you, that it feels like the conversation has to stay in step with the environment… screw that!

I find it hard to start conversations, especially when all the normal daily occurrences have been discussed. This boring chit-chat is all I am good at – if good is even an appropriate term. What am I thinking? Most always usually…nothing. Or nothing of interest that could be any type of conversation starter. I express when I feel similarly about something, but this tends to end the conversation before it even starts. For a long time I would not even say, “Oh me too!” for the fact that I thought it would be redundant and make me seem boring. When in fact I’m sure not saying a thing at all is what made me truly boring. Now when I do make this exclamation or include my similar insight, I feel … redundant and boring. Like I am trying to turn the conversation around and make me the center of attention, which of course is that last thing I want … lets not talk about me.

Lesson Learned

After taking a seductive photo of yourself that you would never share with anyone except for the person the photo was taken for, be sure to carefully select the correct destination for said photo. For instance, after choosing the Share option on your phone to send in a message, make sure you haven’t accidentlly chosen to post it on your Facebook wall, or other social networking page. If this mistake is made, try to ignore the feeling of your heart about to jump out of your body, and quickly find a way to remove the photo. If need be, delete the whole account. You can never be too sure with this internet thing.

How to…

Get rid of someone that has been in and out of your life for ten or so years, that has been part of a lot of emotional pain, sexual experiences, and life long lessons ……

tell them you have an STD. you’ll never see them again.