AnnaMouse
Ordinary thoughts of an Unordinary girl.I am not a homewrecker.
Falling for a married man is the worst. I really thought I would get over this quick, yet I feel as if I have turned it into a catastrophic mind shit (messy). Spent time tonight contemplating quitting early so I don’t have to deal with this all summer. Then again, it could fade in that amount of time (knowing me, that is majorly doubtful). I was acting so gross tonight. I bought him a cupcake. I kept being up a certain fictional character he likes, just to have something to chuckle about, but it got to the point that it wasn’t even funny. ugh. Sickening. Last night didn’t help either. Imagining him being tough with some douche bag got me all hot and bothered …. damn him!!! Damn me! Damn hormones! Damn no sex!!!
All I can say is..
I am fucking horny. And dating someone, and taking it slow is not looking so fun right now. I flat-out said, “Are you going to fucking kiss me or what?” First of all, so not me to say something like that, but fuck, kiss me dammit. If you like me, and think I’m pretty, and you want to be close to me…. do it! Tell me, kiss me, be close. I’m not saying we need to have sex, that really isn’t something I want right now, but I would like to feel like there is some mutual interest in being together. If I must have sex dreams with other people in them to be fulfilled… something is wrong. I like you! I want to like you more! I’m really testing my willpower at the moment with this relationship. I’m proud of our progress, but I am getting really frustrated. I have no idea if I am supposed to tell him how I feel, or if that is just not where we are, at the moment. I don’t want to keep going with it and have him believe what he is doing is okay though. It just feels wrong to ask someone to kiss you, or ask someone to say ‘you’re pretty’, or ‘you look nice this evening’. It’s simply all I want though. I just want to feel like he’s attracted to me, and that even though we aren’t being physically intimate to the max, we can still kiss and get a little steamy.
I am sorry
I’m not sorry for being boring
I am not sorry I am quiet
I am not sorry I have nothing interesting to say
I am not sorry for being okay with silence
I am not sorry you don’t feel like talking either
I am not sorry I am okay with this
I often find myself making up apologies to people after we’ve hung out, about how quiet I was, or if I seemed uninterested (usually never the case, or I would have made an excuse to leave, awkwardly). I count on someone new I am hanging out with to mention that I am quiet. You’re so quiet. Bleh. Shut up. I don’t really feel like that when they say that, only now that I am thinking about it. What is so wrong with introversion and silence? It’s nice. And I expect this from those crazy extroverts that think silence is an insult, but for a fellow introvert to make such a comment is a bit harsh. So are you buddy! I am okay with silence usually. It can be slightly strange in a public place with so much commotion going on around you, that it feels like the conversation has to stay in step with the environment… screw that!
I find it hard to start conversations, especially when all the normal daily occurrences have been discussed. This boring chit-chat is all I am good at – if good is even an appropriate term. What am I thinking? Most always usually…nothing. Or nothing of interest that could be any type of conversation starter. I express when I feel similarly about something, but this tends to end the conversation before it even starts. For a long time I would not even say, “Oh me too!” for the fact that I thought it would be redundant and make me seem boring. When in fact I’m sure not saying a thing at all is what made me truly boring. Now when I do make this exclamation or include my similar insight, I feel … redundant and boring. Like I am trying to turn the conversation around and make me the center of attention, which of course is that last thing I want … lets not talk about me.
Lesson Learned
After taking a seductive photo of yourself that you would never share with anyone except for the person the photo was taken for, be sure to carefully select the correct destination for said photo. For instance, after choosing the Share option on your phone to send in a message, make sure you haven’t accidentlly chosen to post it on your Facebook wall, or other social networking page. If this mistake is made, try to ignore the feeling of your heart about to jump out of your body, and quickly find a way to remove the photo. If need be, delete the whole account. You can never be too sure with this internet thing.
How to…
Get rid of someone that has been in and out of your life for ten or so years, that has been part of a lot of emotional pain, sexual experiences, and life long lessons ……
tell them you have an STD. you’ll never see them again.
Impatient
Although I can patiently wait in line, or on the phone … for miserable things, I can not wait patiently when it comes to creation. Today I did some work in the yard, trying to get it ready for a great deal of much awaited gardening. I was gifted a composter and raised bed garden kit for Christmas, and have just recently set them up. But patience has me feeling anxious. I have added to the composter, but as I close the bin, I hope that is will magically decompose in seconds, and be ready to use right away. I planted some seeds around the yard, things I’m not putting in beds, but just hoping for something sprout to brighten up the setting. Of course I want them to sprout instantly so I can enjoy their beauty right away! I find myself feeling this way often about things that just don’t work that way. I know when I see the first sign of green in the ground I will be overjoyed! That is why I wish for the instantanious groundbreaking event! I am not disapointed that it does not occur, because reality is never far away. I hope that with further work in the garden I can relieve myself of the anxiety, as I will feel accomplished with the little tasks I finish, and feel the joy of accomplisment in that. Although I wish at the moment that when I wake up in the morning, I will have two raised beds full of perfect soil, and will be able to plant immediately. But I know this will not happened, and I will have to find soil to set up the beds and wait for the compost to ferment so I can add it to the beds …. and then once that has all settled, I will plant plant plant!
AnnaMouse 